The concept of “face” in Asian cultures can be a source of endless wonder for Westerners coming to live here. Recently a local friend and I took some people out for a meal and coffee to thank them for helping me when I had traveled to their province. He knew one of them already, so he called and asked if they could help me out when I made my trip. They did, and then when they were passing through our city it was a good gesture to take them out and thank them. I get that, so far so good.
The interesting part for me came at the end of the meal when we got the bill. He had called for the check so the waitress brought it to him. I pulled out my wallet so I could contribute. Actually, I had come to the evening prepared to pay for everything, since he had also been helping me out. I asked for the check so I could pay for it all, but he wasn’t having that, so I started asking if I could contribute and for him to let me see it so I could chip in, etc. He wouldn’t even let me see it.
We went across the street for some coffee and to talk for a while longer. When we were finishing up I told him to let me get this one (not a fair trade, but at least let me take care of one of the checks!). He refused again and went and paid the whole thing himself.
As we stepped outside we got a taxi for our friends and sent them on their way. Then, as we crossed the street to get back to where we had parked he told me, “I’ll let you know the total of both bills and you can pay me back half of it this week.”
Aaah, now I get it. He needed for them to see that he was treating us all. Well, sorry I protested and tried so hard to chip in, but it probably helped firm up the appearance that he was taking care of all of us. I wondered about all that was taking place beneath the surface here:
· Was it more a case of him not wanting to be shamed by letting me pay,
· Was it standard operating procedure that because he made the invitation he was responsible to pay,
· Was this a “debt” that he owed them for helping me out on my trip and he had to do this to settle accounts,
· Was this going above and beyond the “debt” that he owed them so that now the debt had shifted and they might even owe him, so that he could call in another favor sometime…
It was mildly frustrating at first, but the more I thought about the more I simply became entertained by it and intrigued about the way life works here.
